I went to this concert yesterday night by a really famous dude. Carnatic classical. And every single time I listen to good music it happens to me. And it happened again to me yesterday.
Twenty years worth of repent…ok, maybe fifteen years comes out in one nasty shot that renders me incapable of thought and sensible speech. Somewhere, deep down inside, I guess I still nurse that grudge against my dad and fate that I had to move around the country so often, never staying long enough in one place. I always wanted to learn music – more specifically – learn to play an instrument. But, that has eluded me for so long that right now I wish I had the guts to give up everything that I am doing now and learn music. Maybe I’ll suck at it, but I am ready to accept that. I want to give it a shot.
Somehow, it’s been drilled into me that I should study and get a degree. A something to fall back upon – a Plan B. I see my friends who play the guitar, drums, violin, mridangam… and I feel jealous that I cannot play any instrument. However bad it may sound.
It isn’t that I did not try. I learnt vocal for a year when I was in class five and then when I reached the point where I sounded a little better than a toad with laryngitis, my dad moved to Allahabad, where the nearest teacher lived 25 kilometers away. In Bangalore, I learnt violin for a month – the teacher wasn’t interested in teaching and I had been brainwashed to believe that if I did not get into one of the IITs, it was the end of the world as I knew it.
After I joined engineering I learnt to play the mandolin for a month. I even brought one and I still strum some weird tune on it occasionally. I had to give it up because now I had been brainwashed to believe that if I did my engineering course well I could go abroad to study. And my teacher lived 365 kilometers away. So far so good, so what?
I am not doing all that badly in college but somehow the past three years have convinced me that I am not special. Not the kind who would make the front page of the newspaper someday for having invented or discovered something. I am never going to sit for diner with the king of Sweden or make jokes like “Now that you have seen the Raman effect on wine, you want to see the effect of wine on Raman…” No one is going to call me up and ask me to host a mega-quiz for 5000 school kids.
But, maybe if I had learnt to play something, I would have had the chance to go on stage…maybe just once, because I would have sucked anyways…and maybe one single person would have clapped when I finished.
I just wish…
14 comments:
nice writing..
i wish too. i actually learnt violin for a month, and bought a guitar.
@don: "Out there in the spotlight,
A million miles away...
The sweat pours out of your body like the music that you play...
@justo.... : thanks maga.
arre yaar. this is when a shot of vodka helps.
just kidding. never mix alcohol with depression.
ok, point is, no matter what u accomplish in life, u will always have some regrets and unfulfilled wishes. its the way of life. u just have to accept that and work to a solution. frankly, ur folks were right. being a struggling poor naked hungry musician sounds gr8 now, but poor and hungry ain't all its racked up to be.
suggest u buy a guitar and get a pal in hostel to teach u so u dont walk 365 miles. participate in collge rock fests in ur last yr and get to b on stage. make midis of silly songs and upload them here where v can enjoy them. the world will b ur stage.
there, problem solved. later in life, u'll b this reasonably successful, well-off engineer who can also play a guitar.
ok, did i jus sound like an elder sis? plz say i didnt...plz?
@iffitellya...: that has to be
a)the longest comment ever
b)the longest piece of advice(and pretty sensible at that)
c)the longest ever peice of advice that i or anyone else got in SMS lingo.
kewl...
will do all that. but i am thinking of hanging the guitar up for some drums. can play a pathetically little bit or creeping death.
and ...er...why did you have to sound like an elder sister?
The offer for marriage still stands...LOL
ay what da u getting all senti and all??
dont worry macha.. i have spare flute... come off to ur ex room every once in a while and we'll get u off a 5 min slot in our presxtigious musical night!! hehe..
@shanky: blowjob eh?
The standard ploy eh?
hey macha.....me jaikar...nice to see u in blogger
@jake: thanks, i have been here for a while now.
hey nice post ...there are many dreams tht dont see the light of dawn ..but having them and feeling the passion thts worthwhile too... I have tried living my dreams whichevr way I could ..it doesnt have to be always big but it should be satisfying ..the world may or maynot acknowledge what u have or who u are ..but if u have felt it in ur bones ,lived it and felt happy - tht in itself is enough ..and at the end its our conscious decisions whtever path we choose ...so live it he best way u can ..go ahead take it up as a hobby and even 5 mins spent on it in a busy day to uplift ur soul is worth more than any stage !
i feel the same too :( ... should learn some instrument.
@coolshankin: all because of HSN. never mind! sigh...
@shruthi: i guess so. thanks for dropping by. do i know you? Calcutta eh? kolkattai. kothai?
feel exactly the same HSN sucks... i guess he now deserves a commmunity in orkut... i was so full of "should learn guitar" in the last sem now mech. dept. has kicked it off my mind..anyway abroad i mite just be all the more easier to learn
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